Relationship Pondering

I personally do not understand how two people can be married for years and years and years. Hell, I don’t understand how simple boyfriend/girlfriend relationships can last for years. When a couple is together for years, I have to say, “Wow, congratulations. You guys are able to put up with each other’s shit for a long time. “

I’m THAT guy: the guy that gets bored way too quickly, way too easily. I stay in relationships and get in them often and yet, I don’t like them. I’m not sure as to why I even get in them (maybe a sense of comfort of having someone), but I do and I always regret it because I am the pushover that it takes a while to get out of them when I am unhappy.

Anyway, the point I am getting to with this; how can people really settle down and take on the full time job on top of trying to live the life of their own? I understand, that you found someone that makes you really happy and you want to live your life with them, but is that really enough? There will always be arguments and shit storms in the air. If you were flying solo, there isn’t anything. It’s just you have to worry about and possibly friends or business partners that you include.

It might just be me, but I don’t understand the whole marriage aspect of life. I don’t get the point of marriage, and I am really starting to doubt the point of relationships as well. They bring companionship, but so does my dog. They bring sex, but so does my hand. They bring fun, but so does going on random dates every now and then without getting serious or even getting in any sort of relationship at all. Just leave it at one date so you are still social; feel and appear normal.

But hey, just the opinion of a bat-shit crazy guy, right?

Fandom Friday- Trampolines

Welcome to Fandom Friday, where I talk about something or someone that I like and why you should too. This week I will simply be writing about trampolines.

 

You may be asking yourself, why the hell am I going to sit here and read a blog on a bouncy mat that is targeted on children? That’s exactly why you’re going to read this blog. It’s targeted toward children. That little desire inside of you to keep jumping higher and higher and push the boundaries of “how many flips can I do in one jump” is burning the depths of your soul right now.

 

To quote the movie Role Models, “You can’t BS a BS’er”. Everybody that ever set foot on a trampoline ever in the history of ever asked themselves the same questions and said the same things. “I want to see how high I can jump”, “I want to learn how to do a front flip”, “how is this an Olympic sport?”, and eventually it elevated to “check this out. I’m going to do a two thirds back flip with a misty turn then follow it up a seven twenty head-spinning, back-kicking, fist-pumping hoorah to the heavens where I will then grab this tree branch and land on one finger and hoist myself into another flip but slightly turn to the left where I will land on my stomach (but it won’t hurt because, duh, I’m on a tramp and I’m awesome like that) and it will shoot me into what I like to the Star Spangled Bad-Assery. 

 

Everyone had those moments. And in those moments, I would have to guess that a large portion of the time, we were showing our parents and they were FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!! Afterwards, they said it was “coooool”…

 

Bull Ma. Bull. When I was in mid air, I hit slow-mo mode and I caught a glimpse of your face. You looked so scared, you almost looked constipated so bad that you were crying and cringing onto dad’s arm who you could tell was thinking, “Oh great, another trip to the ER”. He thought it looked cool though and he meant it when he said it. You just looked like you took a rhino horn to the sphincter in the tookus.

 

But hell, that was childhood! That was fun! What the hell happened? Every time we walk by a trampoline, a little bit of us dies. For those of us that remembers how much fun we used to have and just look at it, without at least getting on to jump higher and higher (even without the daredevil stunts), our child weeps as it dies inside of us.

 

Shit, when was the last time you even jumped on your bed? Forget your spouse!! Let them look at you like you’re a nut case!! JUMP ON BOARD MY MOVEMENT!! LET YOUR CHILD PLAY!!!!! For fuck’s sake, they didn’t do anything to deserve the miserable death they are dying inside of you and your terrible adult shaped body!  Let them play! Let them have some life! Who cares what other people think! What is the worst thing that will happen to you?! Oh, you got a dumb look? Boo fucking hoo, so sorry you had your feelings hurt. AT LEAST NOW YOU CAN SAY YOU HAD SOME DAMN FUN TODAY!! You actually LIVED today. Even for just a moment, for just a second, you seized that moment and you will smile and laugh the rest of the day because you made your inner child happy. That child doesn’t go away. Keep jumping, keep having fun, keep living for you, living in the moment.

 

Go through the window.

9 Lives

The question of how many lives a cat really has comes up a lot in conversation. It has never truly been tested with successful results, thus boggling the minds of scientists all around the globe. Well I may not have a college degree, but damn am I one smart cookie. After just months of research, tests, common sense, weaponry, and a few too many cats, the answers to all of life’s questions have finally been answered.

With such a complex problem, it is hard to believe how simple it really is. Lives of feline’s, is the equivalent of an adult’s driver’s license. Living a good life and dying peacefully is like being safe behind the wheel, your points go up. Do the opposite, your points go down. Also, the severity of your death has to do with the remainder of your lives. Say you are to die a peaceful death of old age, you only lose one life. Now put yourself in the position of a feline who lives in Vietnam who stumbles upon old trip wire that is still active and you set off some C4. Well, my furry little kitty friend, you will not have a body to salvage and actually live any more lives in, thus losing your ability to walk this planet as a cat.

Pretty simple right?

*If you actually believed that this is factual information, please, do the world a favor and get yourself fixed, ensuring that you will never have the opportunity to repopulate. I firmly believe in Darwin’s Theory of Natural Selection, and stupidity/excessive gullibility should be on the list of “Characteristics Humans Are Better Off Without”.